


Talk to Me

by Chelsea072498



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, doubt in relationship, language. I’m sorry if there’s more and I miss them, possible cheating, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 01:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12924159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelsea072498/pseuds/Chelsea072498
Summary: Reader has a lot of anxiety and starts to doubt herself and her relationship with Dean





	Talk to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Quick Info - Reader has a lot of anxiety and starts to doubt herself and her relationship with Dean  
> Pairing - Dean and Reader  
> Word Count - 4187 I’m not sorry. Not even a little  
> Warnings - TRIGGERS!!! Anxiety, self doubt, doubt in relationship, possible cheating, angst, language. I’m sorry if there’s more and I miss them

**Talk to Me  
**

_Why the fuck should I stay?_

You keep asking yourself this. Over and over. Every single day.

_What the fuck have I done to deserve this?_

Nothing. You know that. You’re not perfect, but you never asked for him to cheat on you. You didn’t ask to have a completely shitty day. It just happens. It’s just the way life rolls sometimes.

You glance over at Dean, asleep on the bed. You see the problem. Okay, his phone isn’t the problem. Except it is. He wouldn’t be talking to her if he didn’t have the phone.

You think of all the irrational things you could do. Throw the phone away. Erase all of her messages. Block her. Wake him up and scream.

It would only cause a fight. You know that. Those are things a jealous girlfriend does. You aren’t exactly jealous.

It just hurts.

You feel the tears sting your eyes and leave the room. Dean was pissed when the two of you got back and most likely his nap won’t really help. Dean could hold a grudge when it came to you.

When you walk in the kitchen, Sam is washing dishes. “You feel better?”

“Not really.” You fight the tears. You can’t talk to Sam. He’ll go straight to Dean. “I’m sorry if I came off as a bitch. It just upset me that nothing was going right! I know Dean was pissed.”

“(Y/N),” Sam looks at you. “He was upset because you were upset. You both handle things different.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know he’ll wake up and he’ll be reserved for a little bit and then things will be okay.” Sam touches your shoulder. “I know it’s hard.”

“You have no idea.” You tell him.

You sit at the table and fight your tears. You brain says to leave. Your heart says to stay. Your brain says that if Dean’s talking to another woman, telling her all the awful things about you, there’s a reason for it. Your heart says that you’re the one there with him.

You’re still going back and forth when he walks in. He smiles at you, grabs a beer, and walks to the table.

“Feel better?” You both ask at the same time.

Dean nods. “Yeah, I needed the nap.”

“Good.” You aren’t going to answer his question. What’s it matter? “What do you want for dinner?” Cooking will distract you. It’ll keep you from watching him text. He’s barely looked up since he sat down.

“Babe?”

You make several suggestions for dinner and he shrugs. “Whatever you want.” He stands up and walks to you. He surprises you with a kiss. You feel tears sting your eyes. Again.

“Hey,” He looks at you. “Damn it, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” You put on a smile. “I’m just tired.”

“We can always order a pizza or something.” Dean says. “Come lay down with me. We can watching some TV and maybe take a nap….”

“You just slept for three hours.” You remind him.

“I know, but you didn’t.” He kisses the top of your head. “Sometimes I wish you’d let me in.”

“You are in, Dean.” You lie to him. “I love you.”

He never says it back. You’ve never expected him to. He kisses you and tells you he’ll be in his room if you change your mind and want a nap.

You cook dinner. Cheeseburgers. His favorite. You make him an apple pie. You both know what you’re doing. You hate yourself for it.

Sam is watching you. He does that a lot. Not in a creepy, lustful way, but with love and concern. He was the one you confessed to months ago when things started to unravel for you.

“I was reading an interesting article online.” He says. “It was about anxiety.”

You look at him. Of course Dean knows. You had to tell him when your anxiety become so crippling during a hunt you couldn’t even get out of the Impala at the motel. “Oh?” You try not to show any emotion, embarrassment, or anger that he would bring this up now.

“It mentioned fishing.” Sam told you. “I know you said you’ve never been. I thought maybe we could try it. If not fishing, maybe we could try and find something else you could do when you’re having a tough time.”

“Yeah, maybe we could try that.”

Dean made a face. “(Y/N/N), you’d be okay with the worm and cleaning the fish?”

“Dean…” Sam gave his brother a look.

“It can’t be any worse than things I’ve done as a hunter.”

“Maybe you could try knitting or cleaning.” Dean took a bite of his burger.

You look down at your plate and close your eyes. You have your entire burger left. You aren’t hungry though. There’s no point in even trying to eat. You feel sick to your stomach.

Sam notices and shakes his head. He also notices something else. “Dean, really? (Y/N) cooked dinner and you’re on the phone?”

“Julie wants us to meet her and the kids this weekend. It’s her daughter’s birthday.” Dean takes a sip of his beer. “Some park a few towns over.”

It’s never been a secret he’s talking to her. Her husband was killed on a hunt two months before. You suspected maybe he’d intentionally got himself killed but you kept that thought to yourself. Sam shrugs and says that he’s in if there’s no case.

“(Y/N/N),” Dean takes your hand. “She really wants to meet you.”

“I don’t really know about parks. It’s kind of…open. Is it safe?”

Dean looked at you. You could see his struggle. He wanted to comfort you, but he didn’t understand your concerns and fears. “Sweetheart, I’ll be there with you.” He takes your hand. “Sam and I will make sure that everything is okay.”

You don’t want to go, but you can’t tell him the truth. You don’t want to see the woman who tells Dean she loves him.

To be fair Dean does tell her that nothing will ever happen because he has you.

That doesn’t mean anything though.

As you wash the dishes, you see Dean staring at you. You turn and look back at him. “What?”

“You’re so beautiful.” He says with a smile. “Want to go for a drive?” He walks to you and puts his hands on your waist. “Let’s end the day on a better note.”

“That sounds great.” You kiss him. You bite your lips. “No phones, computers…”

“We kind of have to have phones. If something happens…” Dean reminds you.

“Oh, yeah.” You cover with another kiss. “Let me finish the dishes.”

You take your time. A drive sounds great, but last time, Dean parked on a cliff overlooking the city. You were sure you’d fall asleep in his arms looking at the stars.

You never got out of the car. Dean had spent the whole time texting her. He never even realized that you were angry. He just saw that you were falling asleep, kissed you, and drove you back home.

When you walked to his room, forty five minutes later, you heard him talking.

“I’m sorry, Julie. It’s not easy to find out that the person you love doesn’t love you. It’s not just something you can blurt out.”

Your heart twisted and dropped. Dean had never told you he loved you, but it was implied. You try and control your breathing as you back up and go back to the kitchen. You fall to the floor and cry. You hate crying and you feel like that’s all you do.

“(Y/N)?” Sam’s voice is close by.

“I’m okay!” you tell him. You wipe your eyes and stand up. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” Sam studies your face. “Is this about Julie?”

“No! Why would you even think that?”

“(Y/N)?” Sam looks into your eyes. “Dean feels bad for her. That’s it. I told him that he needs to start talking to her a little less often.”

“She just lost her husband and they have a bunch of kids and dogs.” You grab a kleenex and blow your nose. You wet a paper towel and blot your face. “I’m fine. I’m really okay.”

“You ready?” Dean walks in, completely unaware of anything.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll get my shoes.”

Sam watches you leave and looks at Dean. “Maybe Cas can help her.”

“Help her?”

“Dean, her anxiety….”

Dean nodded. “We’ve both got it.”

“Not like that. We also had people to help us learn to deal with it in healthy ways. She never had that.” Sam’s eyes went to his brother’s phone. “Meeting Julie is a bad idea.”

“Wh…why?”

“Trust me.”

Dean is quiet in the car. You close your eyes and let the wind blow your hair around. You glance over and see him smiling at you. You smile back. Things feel right for once.

When he parks, you see him put his phone on the seat. “Walk with me?” He smiles.

You drop your phone next to his. He walks around and grabs your hand. His lips kiss you softly and you forgot about all the bad things that happened. You forgot all your fears. You forget everything except for Dean Winchester.

“I love you.” You tell him.

He smiles. “You mean the world to me.”

You look at him in shock. That’s the closest to an ‘I love you’ you suspect you’ll ever get from him.

But the phone call…..

Saturday morning comes and you’ve tried to keep yourself from coming up with excuses not to go. You looked for cases, but the two you found, Sam called other hunters closer to the areas. You pulled up the weather several times a day, hoping that there would be rain in the forecast, but there never was.

You were up early, slowly got out of bed, and made your way to the shower. You had no choice. You had to go. The hot water did nothing for your nerves. Your body was shaking. You weren’t ready to face Julie. You happened to see Dean texting her the night before.

She called you an unappreciative brat.

You hadn’t slept much, maybe at all. You know your faults. Dean knows your faults. Just two days ago, you’d had a discussion about things you do that upset him. You know he was hoping you’d give him feedback, but you couldn’t. You didn’t want to hurt Dean. You love him.

You know that you can come off as a brat sometimes. You know that you get upset over things that other people don’t care about. You don’t want to. You know when you’re wrong and you apologize.

You look at Dean, beautiful Dean. You know that eventually the “I’m sorry's” aren’t going to be enough.

Just a few hours later, Dean parks Baby at the picnic area of the park you’re meeting Julie at.

“She’s not here yet.”

“Oh, okay.” You get out of the car and walk off a little before pulling the cigarettes out of your bag. You and Dean share a cigarette on occasion, but he knows you’re smoking more and more. It helps you. Some.

You finish your smoke as a mini van pulls up. Three boys and a girl jump out and run for the playground. You then see her.

Julie is absolutely stunning.

She runs straight for Dean and kisses his cheek. He’s got a smile on his face. Sam greets her next. Julie sees you and smiles.

“Hi, (Y/N). I’ve heard a lot about you.”

The truth is, you know very little about her. You just smile and open the trunk to grab the cooler and bags of food you’ve bought for the day.

Julie talks to Dean mostly. He sits next to you, pulls you to him, and kisses your cheek several times. You smile back and lean your head on his shoulder. Julie watches. Her face is unsure what to think at first, but eventually, you see a smile when she’s watching you.

The kids are cute. The boys ask you if you know how to play football. They convince you and Dean to go and play with them. You’re so busy with the boys, you don’t even notice Dean’s slipped back to the tables. Sam is playing and until he grabs you to stop you from scoring, you’ve been fine.

Dean and Julie aren’t around.

“Hey,” You look at Sam. “I’m going to go grab a smoke.”

“(Y/N),” Sam knows. He always does.

“It’s fine! I’m fine!” You’re smiling. You’re not shaking. You’re controlling your emotions. “I’ll be back soon.”

You grab your bag and start toward Baby. You don’t see them anywhere. That’s okay. Maybe Julie just needed a break from her kids. Maybe they went to get the sno cones the kids were asking for.

They didn’t. You make it to Baby, light your cigarette and glance over. Julie’s arms are wrapped around him. Dean looks over.

“Son of a bitch!” He moves away from her. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Of course not.” You say. “I’m sorry. I’m going to walk over here.”

“(Y/N)!” Dean runs after you. “Sweetheart, I promise….”

“It’s fine. We’ll talk at home.”

“Will we?” He asks. His green eyes are wide with worry. “Are you going to talk to me?”

_No._ You think to yourself. “Yes,” You touch his cheek. “We’ll talk at home.”

You walk for awhile before turning around. When you get back, Sam and the kids look happy and exhausted. Julie has her eyes down. Dean looks worried. He looks scared.

“It was nice to meet you, Julie.” You smile politely. “Bye kids! I had fun!”

Sam sees the way his brother is looking at you and mumbles. “What now?” under his breath.

You get in the back seat. Dean and Sam say nothing. You keep your eyes watching the sights along the road as Dean drives back to the bunker.

You open the trunk, but Sam stops you from grabbing anything. “I don’t know what happened, but talk to him.”

“Yeah, sure.” You see Dean still sitting in the driver’s seat. He’s looking straight ahead. You walk to his door, but he doesn’t even look at you when you touch his hand.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?” He keeps looking ahead.

“What is it?”

“We’ll talk inside.”

You’re shaking. He’ll push this time. He pushed two days ago but gave up. This time, you know it’s coming. Dean’s going to try and make you talk to him.

You do talk to him, but opening up to him about some things….It’s too scary. You can’t do it. Dean would never look at you the same. He’d hate you. He’d be disgusted.

You kiss him cheek and walk back to the trunk and grab the last few bags. You look back at him, your heart in pieces. Like everything good in your life, your time with Dean has run it’s course. It’s over.

You tried. You were difficult, but you tried. You know it’s over because you know what he wants. He wants you to talk to him.

You’ve never talked to anyone.

You’ve said things to Sam. Little things. Nothing like what Dean would want to know. You know you suck at this relationship thing. You can’t give Dean what he deserves. You can love him with your whole heart. You can rub his achy muscles at the end of the day. You can cook for him, wash a load of laundry when he’s too busy, or lazy, to do it himself. You can be his lover.

You just can’t open up. You can’t let him in that way.

He’d hate you.

You feel the panic rising. You drop everything in the kitchen and run to your room. You grab your bag from the closet and start stuffing things in. You’re crying, shaking, sick to your stomach. You’re about to run away. Again.

“Whoa!” Dean grabs you. “(Y/N), what are you doing?”

“It’s okay, Dean. It’s okay.” You pull away. “I get it. I’m not easy. I’m not a good girlfriend. You’ve been miserable for weeks.”

“Miserable?” He looks at you. “I’ve been worried. We’ve been fighting a little more than usual, but I’ve been worried about you. I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

“It’s okay,” you look at him. “She’s pretty.”

“She….who?” His eyes widened. “Julie?!”

“Yeah, I mean, I get it. You’ve been talking to her a lot lately and she’s beautiful. She obviously adores you….”

Dean shakes his head. “Sweetheart, she kissed me. I pushed her away. I told her that if she really needs us, to message Sam. After you walked away, I knew you’d get the wrong idea. I’d never cheat on you! Damn it, I love you!”

You stare at him. He’s implied it. He’s showed you. He’s never said. Dean Winchester doesn’t say I love you.

When someone says they love you, it’s a lie.

Your tears won’t stop. You’re trying, but they keep falling. “Dean, no. Don’t say that.”

“(Y/N/N), please, talk to me!” Dean begs. “Talk to me. Let me in.”

“I can't…..do that…..” You try and pull away. Dean’s got a tight, gentle hold on you. “Dean?”

“Please,” He’s crying. “I want to help you. I know there’s stuff that’s happened to you and I know it’s bad. I know there’s a reason you won’t let me in. He looks into your eyes. “You and I both got walls up. I’ve lowered mine. You know that, right?”

You slowly nod. Dean has told you everything. Absolutely everything. Every fear he’s ever had, every bad thing he’s ever done. Things that hurt him, things that scarred him…everything.

“Babe, let me in.” He kisses you. “Let me help you the way you helped me.”

“You won’t love me anymore.” You cry into his chest. “You’ll want me gone!”

Dean shook his head. “No, I won’t. I love you.” You cried harder. “Baby, please.”

You turned and looked at him. His green eyes stared at you with love. “Dean?”

“I ain’t leaving you, Sweetheart.” He promises. “Talk to me.”

You slowly open your mouth and the words start coming out. You watch his reaction. You stop talking when he starts crying after you tell him about your parents leaving you in a diner when you were five. He hold you close when you tell him about losing your grandparents only a couple of years later. He looks angry when you tell him about finding your parents and your father’s harsh, hateful words.

He listens as you tell him everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the few scattered moments of happy through your life.

“One day, I was on this hunt and these two super model looking dudes showed up.” You smile at him.

“And then?” He’s smiling through his tears.

“I fell in love with the man with green eyes.” You start to cry again. “And I was difficult. I was scared. I pushed him away….”

“He’s in love with you and he wants to protect you. He wants you to be happy all the time. He wants you to feel safe.” Dean kisses you softly. “We’ve got some work to do.”

“What…what do you mean?”

“How do you feel?” Dean asks. “You’ve been talking to me for five hours….”

“I have?” Your mouth drops open. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean…”

“Don’t you ever be sorry for talking to me.” He says. “I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me since we met. I’m so sorry about the things that have happened to you. I’m sorry about the pain you’ve been put through. Damn it, I want to go out and bust heads open I’m so mad that someone would treat you like that.”

“Dean….”

“I can’t fix it overnight. I can’t fix it by myself. You’re going to have to talk to me. I’m not Dr. Phil, but I can find you someone….”

“What?”

“You’re not crazy. I’m not saying that!” Dean looks worried. “It’s just…I love you. Sam does too. You can talk to us. Anytime you need to. I just wondered if someone who isn’t family might help too.”

“Like a counselor?”

“You don’t have to! I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just want you to feel whole again, Sweetheart. If talking to me, Sam-fuck, even Crowley!-helps, okay.”

You kiss him, softly. “Thank you, Dean.” You wrap your arms around him. “I feel…free….”

“Do you?” He asked.

You yawn. “I feel tired too.”

“You may sleep better.” Dean smiles. “You let a lot today, Babe. You needed to. I’m sorry you’ve carried all this around for so long. Thank you for telling me.” He lifts your chin. “I don’t hate you.”

“Dean…”

“I love you even more than I did this morning.” He smiles at you. “You’re strong.”

“Strong?!” You laugh. “Dean, I can barely go to the grocery store!”

“You are strong. Your anxiety probably has a lot to do with all of this. Most people would have lost their minds after everything you just told me. You’ve kept going.”

“I barely hold it together.”

“You’re alive. You get up everyday and you live. It ain’t always easy, but you’re trying.” He pulls you close again. “I don’t care what it is, no matter how big or small, you talk to me about it. We’re in this together.”

He takes your hand and kisses it. You lean against him. “Together?”

“Always.” He says. “What is it all the kids say? Ride or die?”

You laugh so hard, you feel tears coming again. “Dean!”

“What?”

“You are such a dork.” You kiss him. “But you are my dork.”

“And you are mine.”

 

_A year later_

You take a deep breath. You are at your last appointment with Dr Forrest. It was a tough decision but after talking to Dean, you opened up to Sam. He encouraged you to see someone and helped you find a great doctor in the next time. You hadn’t realized that making the decision to see a doctor would be such a big step. It was scary, overwhelming, and you changed your mind several times before the first appointment.

You took a year off from hunting. You helped with the research, but you made the decision after your first session with the doctor, that you needed to take a break. Dean understood and supported you. He confessed to Sam that he thought you needed the break. He’d confessed to you that he hoped you’d never go back out there.

“(Y/N), I think you’re ready for the group sessions. You know they are not required, you don’t have to go.” Dr. Forrest looks at you. “You’ve come so far this year.”

“I feel like I have, but I’m scared that…”

“We’ve talked about this. You have anxiety. You’ll always have anxiety. You have the tools to control it better now.” The doctor smiles. “How’s Dean?”

“He’s good. They just got back from a job out of town.” You never told the doctor what they did. She never asked. “He said he’s taking at least a month to stay with me.”

“Good. Have you talked any more about children?”

“A little. That’s the only reason I didn’t want to try medication to begin with. I didn’t know if Dean and I would stay together but I kind of thought maybe if we did, we might have a baby. He told me last week he really wants to have kids with me.”

“Do you feel like you’re ready for that?”

You smile. “Yeah. It’s scary though. I never wanted kids.”

“You didn’t exactly want a relationship like you have with Dean either.” The timer by her desk sounds. “Well, this is it. (Y/N), it’s been a pleasure.”

“Thank you, Dr. Forrest.”

“Just because I’m retiring doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing someone. Dr. Jones is here. You’ll have group. You’ve got support.”

You nod. “I do.”

You walk from the building with a smile. It’s so different than the first appointment. You run out crying. You swore you wouldn’t go back. You did though. For three months, you hated it and then something happened.

You felt another wall come down and you started to realize that Dr. Forrest was there to help you.

“Hey, Beautiful!” Dean’s waiting, leaning against Baby. “How’d it go?”

“It’s kind of sad. I’ll miss her. I still have the group, Dr. Jones, Sam, and you.” You kiss him. “Dean, I love you. Thank you.”

He touches your face. “We’re going to celebrate. It isn’t always easy. We’re both kind of assholes sometimes. We made it though.” He kisses you again. “Let’s grab some dinner and go see a movie.”

A year ago, you’d have panicked. Movie theaters were too enclosed. Too many things could go wrong.

“What movie are you thinking?”

“There’s a new chick flick out with some moms that drink and party. I don’t know what it’s called but it looked funny.”

You giggle. “Sounds great.” You take his hand. “I can’t wait.”


End file.
